How to Train Your Monkey

Or any monkey for that matter. Monkeys can be taught to point, to convey messages about their feelings and desires, at least we assume that’s what they’re doing because it matches with our communication style. If monkeys can be taught to point, I can assume they could likely be taught to point, with a mouse, on a computer. Therefore, I don’t see any reason for a monkey not to be employed in the IT industry with a big fat salary, not to mention promoted to top tier level rankings. They should get off their butts and start working in the real world, which apparently, they already are. The zoo in which I show my face has made the request I train a monkey how to approve or reject an electronic document, which requires the click of a mouse. Every now and then I set up a series of documents that goes out to the animal kingdom requiring their approval or rejection. One monkey, a recent promotion from another phylum, was very clear that I was to train it in ‘the process’ by which one approves. Not the process by which I create said documents, but the approval itself. It was very clear on this matter with its finger pointing and hand gestures.

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Are we all clear? I’ve been asked to relay ‘the process’ of how to click. Monkey gets a document. Monkey sees the document. Monkey sees link that says ‘Approve’ or ‘Reject.’ Monkey clicks.

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I’m obviously doing things all wrong. My evolutionary regression has gone in reverse and I am plummeting too far outside the sphere of top tier monkeydom to ever hope for my own roosting branch. My fingers are too delicate, my body hair too short and odor free and I refuse to ingest bugs and grubs. The only piece of sign language I know I use frequently though, when they’re not looking.