Strolling through Grocery Outlet, the grocery store’s equivalent of a magical kingdom of strange delights at discounted prices, I came upon Luvo’s Coconut Chicken Curry Burrito in the frozen food section. Yes, it’s gluten-free, full of quinoa and other good stuff (generally). So I took it home and popped it in the microwave. It’s not very big, but I presumed that it being packed full of ingredients like quinoa, flax seeds, chickpeas and no-antibiotic chicken, plus organic everything would fill me up, so heck yeah! Let’s put this in my face!
I picked this flavor because I’m a huge fan of anything coconut: coconut oil, coconut milk, coconut smell, coconut cream, tanning lotion - just rub me down with this stuff. So, I chose this flavor over the Poblano Verde. I follow the instructions: remove wrapper, place on plate, heat for a minute on one side, then flip and heat another minute. Simple enough.
After Phase 1 Heating, I notice it’s awfully wet. It’s actually sitting in a puddle of water. Hmmmm, ok, no big deal. Drain the water off, flip it, and go in for Phase 2. I take it out and let it cool for a minute. Little burrito baby is surely ready for lunchtime. And boy, was it ever!
I picked it up, and took a bite, only to have its water break all over the plate. Water is gushing out from this thing like it’s time to call Daddy and head to the hospital. And, this is a tiny burrito mind you. Where is all this water coming from?! So, I hold it over the sink and let it calm down. Phew, the contractions pass, and it’s safe to return it to a plate.
I pull up Netflix and resume episode 113 of Gilmore Girls. It’s the one where Lorelai and Rory are fighting, and Sookie tries to force a reconciliation between them by naming them both as godparents and they have to show up for the kids’ christening. So, I’m munching, and the burrito isn’t half bad. It’s a little bland, but whatever, the tortilla has giant flax seeds in it, which has got to be healthy, and the chicken’s actually got a nice roast on it as if it just came off a real spit at a food truck. So, Lorelai and Rory are both holding babies at the church, ready for the christening when Lorelai turns to Rory and asks her….something, but I have no idea what it is because the burrito is having contractions again and water is flooding everywhere, on my lap, my phone, the plate, the sofa. Rory and Lorelai are now outside fighting, but still holding babies - go figure!
I shove the last of the burrito baby into my mouth like a werewolf. I feel slightly defeated yet glad the experience is now over. Kind of the same way I feel when I decide I have to kill a spider. I don’t really want to do it, but I’m trapped, and then I spend the next few hours rationalizing why I had to kill that creature, while also feeling disgusted with myself.
In all, the Luvo Coconut Curry Chicken Burrito is an experience I would sadly suggest you skip unless you’re into adventurous food explosions. Perhaps Luvo received too many water-breaking experience letters from other customers because I do not see the Coconut Curry Chicken Burrito listed on their web site, which, in a way is always tragic. Not unlike the spider we decide to kill. It eats away at the soul, but, what else can we do? It’s about survival of the least explosive foods.