Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Pre-Thanksgiving Jitters

T-Day.  Family Fun Day.  Hope-they-don't-talk-about-killing-animals-day, because for some reason, when I walk into the room, the vegetarian, that seems to be the only thing people want to talk about, how that one time they got to go to that place and shoot as many chickens as they wanted for cheap as long as they cleaned them themselves?  Huh, what a money saver.  Except, all that plucking sure is difficult.  Mmmmmm who's hungry?!

Hey Danielle - can you pass the turkey and make sure to bring some sausage for everyone to eat?

Here's what it means to be vegetarian on Thanksgiving: I realize I've only been vegetarian (again) for 3 years, but people still manage to "forget" every time they talk to me.  It's like their brains are locked in some Back-To-The-Future Delorian that's on loop.  No, I don't want to hear about that time you shot something and then laughed as it ran around without a head bleeding everywhere; nor do I want to hear about how succulent the skin is, or when you couldn't think of anything better to do so you decided to go shoot tails off squirrels.  You can go ahead and keep those thoughts to yourself.  However, I know you won't because it never has occurred to you I might find it repulsive.  By the by, even if I wasn't vegetarian, I would still find the conversation disgusting and would want to become vegetarian soon after.

But I digress: What it means to be vegetarian on Thanksgiving?  Not getting to eat anything.  And, if you bring something you DO want to eat, here's what happens.  Maybe you don't want to stand too far out of the crowd so you opt for the Tofurky.  "Ahahaha, what's that?  It looks disgusting!  You're going to eat that?  It looks like what we feed the dog."  Okay, so you tried.  Well, maybe you want to eat something that you really enjoy, after all, Thanksgiving is about coming together and sharing a really good meal with family and friends isn't it?  Well, maybe you splurge on a take-out dinner from your favorite Thai or Japanese restaurant.  Now they're going to look at you as if you just shot George Washington in the face.

Moral of the story: Get drunk.  Really really drunk.  The non-veg's will be anyway, so you may as well join in.  Might help you keep from ripping someone's face off and wearing it. And, hopefully it will insulate your brain from those squirrel hunting stories to keep you from throwing up.  But, ya never know...

Swamp People - 2 Stars

I wanted so terribly bad to love Swamp People (another History Channel broadcast), however, similarly to when I went and saw Girl With A Dragon Tattoo, I didn't read much beyond the title and drew my own conclusions about what I was about to see which greatly excited me.  Sadly, what I ended up seeing was more horrific than I thought.  GWADT was definitely the most traumatic by far, however, Swamp People not only horrified but disappointed.  By the title I expected the episodes to delve into the people, their culture, maybe see different families in the bayous, etc. and at the same time possibly learn why they put so many things into jars, why sanitation means something else to them than other places, and frankly, I wanted to see some voodoo.  There was no voodoo, at least, not in the 2 episodes (or, 1-1/2 episodes I saw).  The whole series is about the alligator season, the 30 days that the Louisiana waters are open for gator hunters to catch and kill as many gators as they have tags for.  I got through one episode, and I did learn that without the hunting season the gator population does explode, putting people in danger, more than even someone like myself can start a parade for, so I understand that aspect.  However, the show focuses on several boats, all family gator hunters.  They hunt in pairs, for obvious reasons - you can't very well shoot and haul up a gator by your lonesome that easily (although one guy does - although, no points to him for bringing his dog who I can only envision getting eaten or tripping the guy and then the guy gets eaten, but that's neither here nor there).  It's just clip after clip after clip of this boat checking their snares they'd left the previous day and hauling up the alligator attached to it and shooting it.  They get paid by the foot, so the bigger the animal, the more money they get, however, whatever alligator is attached to their snare, they shoot and take it in.

The State of Louisiana, according to the show, only issues a certain number of tags.  Any alligator caught must have a tag attached to it in order to be sold.  Each hunter is issued a certain number of tags from this set number of tags.  I'm not clear how or why some hunters are granted more than others, but whatever.  The good thing that I do appreciate of what I did see, all 1-1/2 episodes was, I didn't see any of the hunters shoot and leave a dead alligator because they thought it too small.  At least, the ones they kill, they give a tag, and get paid for it.

I however had to turn off and put a moratorium on the rest of the season when in episode 2 one of the people started instructing the camera on how to 'clean' an alligator, starting with its feet.  That's when I shut it off.

I was definitely hoping for a broader scope from a season entitled Swamp People.  I can't help but be reminded of those fishing shows where you've got a couple dudes in a boat telling you how to catch something 'really big!'  I wanted a bit more anthropology thrown in, a bit more documentary.

Friday, November 5, 2010

In Case You Missed It - Today Is A-Hole Day... It's Not On the Gregorian Calendar

A-hole day started with waiting for the bus and some dude with a curly, gray mullet and big thick glasses was roaming around growling at himself - obviously not all there - and of course gets on our bus. He then proceeds to stand in the middle of the aisle and everyone has to walk around him to get to a seat. This sweet girl in front of me taps him nicely and asks if he wants to sit down, to which he responds by freaking out and growling at her. She recoils and he cringes toward the opposite side of the aisle, but doesn’t move. The bus is already packed with three people standing in front of him, and a wheelchair guy gets on. After this, at every stop (which is odd because this was a later bus) there were at least three to five people, including two separate wheelchair pickups and dropoffs - and this jerk is just standing right in the middle refusing to move back so people are stepping around him and he’s obliging this by leaning into the sweet girl who offered him her seat, whacking her in the face with his crusty yellow and brown jacket with a Tully’s sticker stuck to it and pressing the front of his pants right in her face, and she’s curling into the front of the seat ahead of her like she wants to die. Meanwhile, I get the back of his ass, which is covered by off-white elasticized corduroy pants that I questioned were possibly maternity pants and had no pockets on the back so you could really make out the curve of his butt cheeks when he bent over a little and twined his legs around themselves like a little kid that has to pee. I was grateful nothing expelled from this area which I was quite expecting, and I’m pretty sure the guy on opposite me was also. The bus driver kept repeating over the intercom, “Please move to the back of the bus,” which he didn't, so again, people are stepping around him to oblige the new passengers getting on and all he’s doing is pressing himself into the girl every time this happens. People are looking at him, apparently pissed, but no one will say anything because the dude’s obviously unhinged and no one wants to cash in their bus pass for a ticket to Crazy Town. I was planning to ride the bus all the way to downtown but I decided the extra 5 or 10-minute wait for the next bus was well worth it, so I jumped off at the next major bus hub.

Round 2:

I’m embarrassed to say this, although it makes perfect sense, but I have hemorrhoids (in case you don't know me, I should warn you that somewhere between 29 and now, the 'appropriate' and 'decorum' filters fell out, thus ensuring people give me a wide berth in the social arena - I apologize to my parents because I don't think I will ever turn you into grandparents, let alone a mother-in-law or father-in-law, let's just not hold our breath). Anyway, I believe I’ve had this for several months now. Be advised, when I say, “I have a pain in my ass” or “You are a pain in my ass,” I’m not lying. I’ve already tried over-the-counter products, which required much ‘Preparation’ and luck to get out of the store with minimal embarrassment or recognition (which kind of goes against what I just said about the decorum filter falling out - maybe it's still hanging on by a frayed wire - the appropriate filter is definitely gone... let’s just say, the best chance came when I was in the boondocks where everyone was filthy and probably suffered or was suffering from the same condition as mine and the cashier was so stoned she didn’t notice what she was ringing up as I included it with other brightly packaged items since of course, the most extremely embarrassing ailments have to come with the shiniest, loudest packaged remedies – it just makes sense). Well, this helped somewhat, however, when I stopped using it after a couple weeks, the condition is still there (and it may have come back with a vengeance, I’m not sure), so now I’m quite concerned. Which brings me to today’s episode. I called the doctor’s office and got an extremely annoyed receptionist who asked me my name and what I was calling about, then proceeded to tell me, “I don’t have anything today!” as if I was outside the door, pounding it down. “Okay, how about tomorrow?” (because their long-winded pre-recorded message indicates they’re open from 8-11 on Saturdays). “We’re not open tomorrow.” And there was a pause, during which time she must’ve remembered the long-winded pre-recorded message that everyone has to listen to before one is allowed to make an appointment, and added, “We’re having an open house tomorrow for our new location.” (The receptionist said with the tone of: Like DUH!!!!)

Receptionist: Tone = surly and shitty-coated sweetness

“Monday?” I asked.

“Let’s see, I have a 10 am, 10:10, 11:10, or 2:40.”

“Anything in the late afternoon?”

“How late?”

“As late as possible?”

“The latest one I have is the time I just said with Dr. Deans.”

“I’d like to see either of the two doctors I’ve seen before.”

“We have 11 doctors here.”

“I was told this is the office for Dr. Wheeler and someone else.”

“Yes, she shares with Dr. Lee. But we have 11 doctors here.” (laughs – a really shitty, SUV–driving, frosted hair, pearly pink French-manicured nail, too-tight fitting North Face down vest, queen of the PTA backstabbing bitches club kinda laugh)

“I’d like to see one of the two I’ve already seen.”

“They don’t have anything on Monday.”

“Any other days?” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cartoon bubble farts above my head: Dumb bitch!)

“You can see Dr. Lee on Tuesday at 4:20.”

“Okay………………………. Great!”

“Okay. We have you down for 4:20 on Tuesday ” (Cartoon bubble farts above receptionist’s head: Bitch)

(Me: Slams phone down. Thinks to herself, “I forgot to tell her how rude she was. Shit!”)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

NaNoWriMo Day 2

Completed.  It's helped to break it up into little chunks throughout the day.  Moving along.

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo Day 1

Completed.  Hmmm - that wasn't too bad.  I'm eerily surprised.  It was only the first day however.  Where are the monsters?  The flying monkeys?  I'm sure they're lurking somewhere.