Friday, November 5, 2010

In Case You Missed It - Today Is A-Hole Day... It's Not On the Gregorian Calendar

A-hole day started with waiting for the bus and some dude with a curly, gray mullet and big thick glasses was roaming around growling at himself - obviously not all there - and of course gets on our bus. He then proceeds to stand in the middle of the aisle and everyone has to walk around him to get to a seat. This sweet girl in front of me taps him nicely and asks if he wants to sit down, to which he responds by freaking out and growling at her. She recoils and he cringes toward the opposite side of the aisle, but doesn’t move. The bus is already packed with three people standing in front of him, and a wheelchair guy gets on. After this, at every stop (which is odd because this was a later bus) there were at least three to five people, including two separate wheelchair pickups and dropoffs - and this jerk is just standing right in the middle refusing to move back so people are stepping around him and he’s obliging this by leaning into the sweet girl who offered him her seat, whacking her in the face with his crusty yellow and brown jacket with a Tully’s sticker stuck to it and pressing the front of his pants right in her face, and she’s curling into the front of the seat ahead of her like she wants to die. Meanwhile, I get the back of his ass, which is covered by off-white elasticized corduroy pants that I questioned were possibly maternity pants and had no pockets on the back so you could really make out the curve of his butt cheeks when he bent over a little and twined his legs around themselves like a little kid that has to pee. I was grateful nothing expelled from this area which I was quite expecting, and I’m pretty sure the guy on opposite me was also. The bus driver kept repeating over the intercom, “Please move to the back of the bus,” which he didn't, so again, people are stepping around him to oblige the new passengers getting on and all he’s doing is pressing himself into the girl every time this happens. People are looking at him, apparently pissed, but no one will say anything because the dude’s obviously unhinged and no one wants to cash in their bus pass for a ticket to Crazy Town. I was planning to ride the bus all the way to downtown but I decided the extra 5 or 10-minute wait for the next bus was well worth it, so I jumped off at the next major bus hub.

Round 2:

I’m embarrassed to say this, although it makes perfect sense, but I have hemorrhoids (in case you don't know me, I should warn you that somewhere between 29 and now, the 'appropriate' and 'decorum' filters fell out, thus ensuring people give me a wide berth in the social arena - I apologize to my parents because I don't think I will ever turn you into grandparents, let alone a mother-in-law or father-in-law, let's just not hold our breath). Anyway, I believe I’ve had this for several months now. Be advised, when I say, “I have a pain in my ass” or “You are a pain in my ass,” I’m not lying. I’ve already tried over-the-counter products, which required much ‘Preparation’ and luck to get out of the store with minimal embarrassment or recognition (which kind of goes against what I just said about the decorum filter falling out - maybe it's still hanging on by a frayed wire - the appropriate filter is definitely gone... let’s just say, the best chance came when I was in the boondocks where everyone was filthy and probably suffered or was suffering from the same condition as mine and the cashier was so stoned she didn’t notice what she was ringing up as I included it with other brightly packaged items since of course, the most extremely embarrassing ailments have to come with the shiniest, loudest packaged remedies – it just makes sense). Well, this helped somewhat, however, when I stopped using it after a couple weeks, the condition is still there (and it may have come back with a vengeance, I’m not sure), so now I’m quite concerned. Which brings me to today’s episode. I called the doctor’s office and got an extremely annoyed receptionist who asked me my name and what I was calling about, then proceeded to tell me, “I don’t have anything today!” as if I was outside the door, pounding it down. “Okay, how about tomorrow?” (because their long-winded pre-recorded message indicates they’re open from 8-11 on Saturdays). “We’re not open tomorrow.” And there was a pause, during which time she must’ve remembered the long-winded pre-recorded message that everyone has to listen to before one is allowed to make an appointment, and added, “We’re having an open house tomorrow for our new location.” (The receptionist said with the tone of: Like DUH!!!!)

Receptionist: Tone = surly and shitty-coated sweetness

“Monday?” I asked.

“Let’s see, I have a 10 am, 10:10, 11:10, or 2:40.”

“Anything in the late afternoon?”

“How late?”

“As late as possible?”

“The latest one I have is the time I just said with Dr. Deans.”

“I’d like to see either of the two doctors I’ve seen before.”

“We have 11 doctors here.”

“I was told this is the office for Dr. Wheeler and someone else.”

“Yes, she shares with Dr. Lee. But we have 11 doctors here.” (laughs – a really shitty, SUV–driving, frosted hair, pearly pink French-manicured nail, too-tight fitting North Face down vest, queen of the PTA backstabbing bitches club kinda laugh)

“I’d like to see one of the two I’ve already seen.”

“They don’t have anything on Monday.”

“Any other days?” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Cartoon bubble farts above my head: Dumb bitch!)

“You can see Dr. Lee on Tuesday at 4:20.”

“Okay………………………. Great!”

“Okay. We have you down for 4:20 on Tuesday ” (Cartoon bubble farts above receptionist’s head: Bitch)

(Me: Slams phone down. Thinks to herself, “I forgot to tell her how rude she was. Shit!”)


Anonymous said...

Dearest D, First of all just want to tell you how much I love you. I am so proud of the woman you have become. Sorry you had such a bad day. As your Aunt who is the nurse, although I'm not legally allowed to make a medical diagnosis, I'm sure I know what the reception's problem is. I've seen more than my share of the symptoms. I believe she has a cranial rectum inversion. Which is usually a chronic condition. The only way to treat someone with the condition is with pity, because I'm sure the woman has great difficulty sitting or walking. Was her voice a bit muffled? If so I'm sure that's what it is. Love you much. Aunt B

D. V. Klenak said...

Someone else did mention this same potential symptom actually. I too am not in the medical field, but that's two people who have diagnosed this poor person with the same ailment. I can't imagine you're too far off.